Fatigue: the working of the job to do the job
Waitress town. Population me.
Currently I am learning about fancy cocktails and dynamic wines... the kinds of wines with notes of leather and cherry and slate and depth. This particular restaurant/bar I've started at is a high end one. It's intense. It's a fucking bootcamp. And I'm overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed because I haven't touched this blog in close to a month. I'm late on sending out press kits for a Horseshoe Tavern gig on Thursday. My practice routine has been off the grid.
On one hand I'm learning the ways and products of this high-end joint, but what, in turn, is suffering? The thing I want to do with my life. For now? Can this be yet another ebb and flow? I'm challenged with the ability to have perspective right now as I am smack dab in the middle of a massive learning curve. And it's uncomfortable and tiring and it can get fucking existential.
What am I doing with my fucking life?
Rich parents and benefactors. Congrats to those who have them. Artists who are making a living from their art? I can't imagine this.. and maybe that's where my problem is? Or what am I expecting? Or am I complaining? Or am I using this fancy job to distract from doing the work?
And this is where friends, good friends, come in. I woke up this morning. Paralyzed with big questions. Fantasies of escape.. Get rid of my apartment and move back to Barrie. And what happened and what helped?
I connected with my sister on Skype. She gently coaxed me off the ledge. By offering perspective and ideas and humour, I am able to see that this is what is right now. Push through... and then make decisions. But in the thick of the challenge storm, what if I kept moving.
I don't know how this is going to shake down. Feels like everything around me is falling apart. But is this just what dramatic change feels like?
I will keep me posted.
Here's to doing my best to observe difficulties and challenges, to the best of my ability.